First of all, this post was not lifted from The Onion.
Do you think the economy is bad? Do we spend too much on healthcare for people?
Let me introduce you to “Neuticles,” which are, no kidding, testicular prostheses for neutered pets.
According to the product’s website,
“Over a half million caring pet owners worldwide have selected
Neuticles as a safe, practical and inexpensive option when neutering
their beloved pet.”
Neuticles come in dog or cat versions with
multiple sizes and the price ranges from $114 to $149 for a pair of
polypropylene implants. Solid silicone will cost you from $254 to $299.
The “UltraPlus with ScarRetard” will run you up to $449 a pair. If your
dog is extremely self-conscious, you may want to go with the UltraPlus
model which has an epididymus for an extra $150 per pair.
The implants are also sold individually for pets who don’t mind being lopsided.
The price does not include the veterinarian’s fee for the neutering/implantation procedure.
The company’s slogan is “It’s like nothing
ever changed.” Furthermore unlike human medical implants, the folks at
Neuticles say this “is a 100% safe and effective alternative option” and
claim there have been no complications or rejections of the devices
when implanted as directed.
Apparently, they never get infected or need to be removed.
Videos
of the procedure are posted on the site. A “drop or two” of penicillin
is place on each implant as prophylaxis. In one video, the dog’s package
was between two sizes so the owner (no doubt a man) opted for the
larger size. The vet in the video says both the owner and the dog are
very happy with the choice.
And just what is “ScarRetard”? It’s “a
special textured exterior which virtually eliminates the risk of
potential scar tissue development.” In case you don’t want to go for the
extra cost of “ScarRetard,” the website suggests the owner “gently
massage the Neuticles weekly to break up any possible [scar]
formations.” I suspect that advice leads to better sales of the implants
with ScarRetard.
Can you imagine the conversation when a guy who works for Neuticles tries to pick up a girl at a bar?
She: “So, what do you do?”
He: “I sort sizes of artificial testicles for dogs and cats.”
She: “Right. Get lost.”
He: “I sort sizes of artificial testicles for dogs and cats.”
She: “Right. Get lost.”
The inventor of this item, Gregg A. Miller, received the “Ig Nobel Prize” for medicine in 2005.
If it’s true that 500,000 have been sold at
say $400 per animal, that’s $200 million worth of testicle prostheses
for dogs and cats. Who’s laughing now?
Don’t get me started on the doggie treadmill ($699 for the medium version, $899 for the large).
