The ultimate hospital rating system

Finding out which hospitals are best is like "a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma."

Are you tired of seeing conflicting ratings from such once respected sources as Leapfrog, Medicare Compare, HealthGrades and Yelp?

Does it confuse you when a hospital is ranked in the top 10 by US News and World Report, but is "god-awful" according to Consumer Reports?

The Skeptical Scalpel Institute for Advanced Outcomes Research is proud to unveil a new rating system for hospitals.

Advanced metrics and creative statistics are linked with secret Bayesian methodologies, patient surveys and publically available databases to yield the most powerful and accurate hospital ratings ever imagined.

Just kidding.

Based on word of mouth, innuendo and rumors that have come to our attention through the back channels of the Internets, Skeptical Scalpel Ratings Plus offers unparalleled accuracy in hospital ratings.

For the low, low price of only $29.99, you will receive the Skeptical Scalpel Hospital Ratings Guide.

But wait, there's more. Here's the plus. At no extra charge, we will send you information about a weird trick that will enable you to undergo open heart surgery for just $8.00. Insurance companies are furious.

That's not all. The first 127 people to buy the guide will get a set of the sharpest kitchen knives known to mankind as our gift.

Are you a hospital administrator? Be advised of some special features of our ratings just for you.

If your hospital's ranking is not what you think it deserves, don't do what all the others do and waste time with in-house task forces or ad hoc committees. And don't claim we used bad data. Since we don't use data, that won't work.

Instead, try an on-site consultation from the Skeptical Scalpel Institute. We can show you ways to improve your standing without the need for expensive new patient safety programs.

If you are pleased with your ranking and want to advertise your Skeptical Scalpel designation, you must first contract with us. We sell banners, plaques and lobby displays. Call to discuss details. Operators are standing by.

Fee schedules for consultation and advertising will be provided upon request.

Dial MY-RATINGS.