Thursday, April 4, 2013

Neuticles: Testicular prostheses ...for pets

First of all, this post was not lifted from The Onion.

Do you think the economy is bad? Do we spend too much on healthcare for people?

Let me introduce you to “Neuticles,” which are, no kidding, testicular prostheses for neutered pets.

According to the product’s website, “Over a half million caring pet owners worldwide have selected Neuticles as a safe, practical and inexpensive option when neutering their beloved pet.”

Neuticles come in dog or cat versions with multiple sizes and the price ranges from $114 to $149 for a pair of polypropylene implants. Solid silicone will cost you from $254 to $299. The “UltraPlus with ScarRetard” will run you up to $449 a pair. If your dog is extremely self-conscious, you may want to go with the UltraPlus model which has an epididymus for an extra $150 per pair.

The implants are also sold individually for pets who don’t mind being lopsided.

The price does not include the veterinarian’s fee for the neutering/implantation procedure.

The company’s slogan is “It’s like nothing ever changed.” Furthermore unlike human medical implants, the folks at Neuticles say this “is a 100% safe and effective alternative option” and claim there have been no complications or rejections of the devices when implanted as directed.

Apparently, they never get infected or need to be removed.

Videos of the procedure are posted on the site. A “drop or two” of penicillin is place on each implant as prophylaxis. In one video, the dog’s package was between two sizes so the owner (no doubt a man) opted for the larger size. The vet in the video says both the owner and the dog are very happy with the choice.

And just what is “ScarRetard”? It’s “a special textured exterior which virtually eliminates the risk of potential scar tissue development.” In case you don’t want to go for the extra cost of “ScarRetard,” the website suggests the owner “gently massage the Neuticles weekly to break up any possible [scar] formations.” I suspect that advice leads to better sales of the implants with ScarRetard.

Can you imagine the conversation when a guy who works for Neuticles tries to pick up a girl at a bar?

She: “So, what do you do?”
He: “I sort sizes of artificial testicles for dogs and cats.”
She: “Right. Get lost.”

The inventor of this item, Gregg A. Miller, received the “Ig Nobel Prize” for medicine in 2005.

If it’s true that 500,000 have been sold at say $400 per animal, that’s $200 million worth of testicle prostheses for dogs and cats. Who’s laughing now?

Don’t get me started on the doggie treadmill ($699 for the medium version, $899 for the large).

8 comments:

artiger said...

This would have been a better April Fool gag than the one you tried a few days earlier, except that this one is no joke. If both had been true, I wonder how many more would spend money on themselves or their pets (assuming both would be out of pocket expenses).

Vets and dentists have been laughing at us (physicians) for quite some time now, and may continue to do so for a long time to come.

Skeptical Scalpel said...

I agree. It might be a joke to some, but the guy who invented this is rich.

Anonymous said...

A resident I worked with years ago made a million or so with a doggie perfume. I think they are common these days (I refuse to Google it) but he was a pioneer and cashed in.

How about laser-guided, robotic, spinal instrumentation in pot-bellied pig?

Skeptical Scalpel said...

There are millions of pigs with pot bellies needing correction.

Anonymous said...

ok where in the uk can you get this done for male dogs

Anonymous said...

Admit it, cat nuts are cuts. Humans and dogs no way, get rid of those. I had Neuticles for a previous cat, they were too small because he outgrew them. Meaning you had to cop a feel to know he had them. So don't bother with a kitten. About 6 years later he rejected them I guess, because they both "fell out" within a year. Now I just adopted a large cat that needs neutering. I really don't think the cat cares or even knows either way but I'm going to do it anyways as his cute big dark nuts will stand out against his lighter siamese body :) I love kitties and would not do it if I thought it would be harmful. My previous experience tells me the main issue is the cost. I'm going to research cheaper alternatives too before his procedure.

Bulldog said...

ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS!! I haven't laughed this hard in years. I was considering getting a couple of these for my English Bulldog. He's getting neutered in a few months. After reading this post, I've decided to have Neuticles installed when he gets fixed. I just can't help, after reading this post, but imaging my dog walking down the road without a ball sack. This wouldn't have even crossed my mind until I read this post. I'd be embarrassed seeing him walk around without them. I think he'd wonder where they were when he wasn't feeling them swing back and forth between his back legs. I'm still laughing/crying!!

Skeptical Scalpel said...

I'm glad you liked the post. I'm sure your dog will appreciate what you are doing for him.

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