The Apocalypse Is Near: Part III

The way I see it, we are getting closer to the end of civilization.

The Washington Post reports that SAT reading scores have dropped to their lowest level in 40 years. For 57% [that’s more than half] of those taking the test, the results suggest that success in college is unlikely.

A woman in Alaska fell off a 60-foot cliff while texting. She survived.

In a related story, a 14-year-old Connecticut boy removed the brakes from his bicycle. He then got on it, ran a stop sign and crashed into a car. Surprisingly, he was not wearing a helmet.

A woman in Dallas suffers from “chemical and electrical sensitivity.” In order to read a book she must place it in a plastic bag which “blocks out the volatile organic compounds from the ink.” She also can feel the radio frequency emissions from a digital meter installed outside of her house by the electric company and “is convinced the emissions of countless objects are damaging her body...and her mind.” She is applying for disability and will likely succeed in obtaining it.

A paper published in the Journal of Virology by Korean researchers found that air contains between 1.6 million and 40 million viruses per cubic meter. If that’s not bad enough, a cubic meter of air also harbors between 860,000 and 11 million bacteria.

The good news is that a Florida man won a live roach-eating contest. The bad news is that he died at the scene. The prize for winning was to have been a python. The fate of the python is unknown.

According to a story, most joint US-Afghan operations have been suspended as NATO and US officers have just realized what the Soviets learned years ago. It seems the country of Afghanistan is not easy to manage. After yet another insider attack killed 4 of our soldiers last month, a senior military official said, “We’re to the point now where we can’t trust these people.” What took us so long to figure this out?

The head coach of a champion youth football team in California was suspended amid allegations that he offered his 11-year-old players bounties of up to $50 for the best hit of the game. The most money was to be paid for a hit that forced an opposing player to leave a game. He also is accused of altering uniforms to enable players to make weight limits. The bounties were established before news of a similar situation involving the New Orleans Saints of the NFL came to light.

A student at the University of Tennessee was hospitalized after allegedly getting drunk via an alcohol enema. The story states his blood alcohol level was 0.448 (6 times the legal limit) and he had rectal injuries. The student, who is planning to sue the school and the hospital for among other things, violating his HIPAA rights, denies that the enema occurred. In a press conference, he said that he and his fraternity brothers were only playing a game called “Tour de Franzia.” The game involves teams drinking bags of Franzia wine, vintage not stated, as fast as possible. The press conference, which features the student, his lawyer and to the lawyer’s right a lad who appears to be “Flounder” from the movie “Animal House,” can be seen here.