New Diseases Discovered by Hospital Clerical Personnel

Here is a list of illnesses and terms found on actual patient admitting medical records at a hospital which shall remain nameless. The “illness” or term is followed by a translation when possible.

Fibial Fracture. There’s a tibia and a fibula but no fibia.

Subcutaneous hematuria. Hematoma (bruise) under the skin. Hematuria means blood in the urine.

Urinary constipation. Patient unable to pee.

Intelligent gait. ???

Bilateral sore throat. Last time I looked, the throat was not a paired structure.

Gullstones. What you would throw at a bird at the beach.

Umbilectomy. Umbilical hernia repair?

Protruded appendix. Perforated appendicitis.

Gastropsoriasis. Gastroparesis or slow emptying of the stomach.

Sphincter of Jedi. Sphincter of Oddi, a structure that controls the flow of bile into the duodenum.

Strangulated labia. I’m not going to touch that one.